Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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