Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
