in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
