I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
