Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
