yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
