dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
