So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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