By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
