from now on my penis is your penis
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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