five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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