We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize