All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
