I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
3 2 1 whiskey
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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