you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
