Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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