i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
