Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
