i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
