I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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