I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
