Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
