Im at strip club and am horny
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
