I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
