They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
