why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
