On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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