why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
