i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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