there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
as a side note pls kill me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
