Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize