Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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