RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
