Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
