Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
