Taylor Swift is so right about you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
