Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
