I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
