well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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