Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
