you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
