I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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