I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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