Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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