hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
