he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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