3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
