wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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