who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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