apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We need to feng shui this bitch.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
