i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
