So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
