A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
