Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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