Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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