He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
