I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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