her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
