I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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